Day 8

-AN: I swear a lot in this one....-

I did good today. I'm trying really hard to be proud of myself. I know that 17 and a half minutes of jogging speed on an elliptical isn't much but.. it's more than the 6 minutes I did last time. No. I'm belittling myself. Fuck that.

I worked out today until I felt my legs starting to give out and my breathing was ragged and raspy. I pushed myself harder than I have in years, and I did it BY MYSELF which I have never done. I pushed myself past just the cardio (which left me guzzling down 2 bottles of water while lying on the floor) and continued to do planks, sit ups, pushups and lunges. I fuckin' rocked today. I don't care if it's not Olympic quality exercise, or even if it's what the average person can do. I tried my hardest and then some, so anyone who tells me I didn't do good today can suck a dick. FUCK YEAH.

Alright, now that that's out of my system: for breakfast I was hungry so I had a banana and a wrap which had potatoes, eggs, tomatoes and onion. No cheese.

Tonight will likely be a salad. I've gotta work, so I hope I don't get too annoyed with the world. I did good today. I really did well. I wish I could tell someone, I want someone to be proud of me, but I guess being proud of myself will work just as well. There's a possibility that I'll have the house to myself tomorrow for a little while. Beat today's record? Possibly. Just do the best I can tomorrow. Definitely.

day 7

how'd day 7 go?  meh.
eat healthy? yes. oh yes. very much yes.
work out? nope, 'course not.
how're you feeling? broken.
try tomorrow? do I have a choice... I'm not getting any slimmer by sitting here being defeated am I..

day 6

I really want to give up. It seems like no matter how well I plan, my plans will be thrown out the window simply because they're not convenient for everyone else.

"We'll pick you up at 1:30 tomorrow and go to Cora's for breakfast."
"Ok, awesome, I can have a small breakfast at 11:30 when I wake up, work out for an hour, then skype boyfriend while getting ready, and have a fruit crepe at Cora's."

-next day-
11:30 am:
"Be ready in 15 minutes, we're going to Denny's."
"Denny's? Really? Ok well maybe I'll try to have a healthy breakfast there..."
-family proceeds to order me a super fatty breakfast while I'm in the bathroom and I can't bring myself to ask the server to change it-
"I'll just have a super healthy dinner."

"So are you going home or coming with us to hang out at our house? We've missed you so so much, but you can go straight home if you want."
"Well shit. I guess I'm going with you. It's ok, mum will pick me up around 5:00 when she gets off work and I'll tell her to just not go down into the basement for ANYTHING until I'm done."

5:30:
"Mom where are you?"
"Oh, I was just going to cook dinner for your step dad and I, and then I'll come get you later, ok?"
"Sure.... I can maybe try and keep them both out of the basement... and later usually means like.. 7:30 so I'll still have two hours before I skype with boyfriend..."

8:30
"Mom wtf where are you?!"
"Oh I'm doing some stuff for work. I'll be there in about half an hour."

9:30
"Hi, I'm here to pick you up!"
"This is an hour later, not half an hour."
"Oh, I'm just going to stay and talk to your grandparents for half an hour."
"Whatever."
-They proceed to talk for a fucking hour-

So yeah. I'm getting close to giving up. Starting is the hardest part though, right? I honestly feel like the most disgusting creature on this planet. I don't know how boyfriend stands to look at me naked. He's a brave soul. I know I can't do it. The mirror is my worst enemy and I honestly do my best to avoid it. I currently have no idea what I look like naked but I know it's probably terrible.

Tomorrow I'll keep trying.. but it'll probably just end up a whole mess again.

Day 5

I did a bad thing. Tonight I had 3 chicken thighs after being so good all day. They were crusted with so much salt and.. ugh. I'm retarded. Worst part was, I overate because I was depressed and frustrated by the fact that my step dad decided to work from home so I didn't get to work out. I have the day off tomorrow... guess I'm gunna work out lots n lots tomorrow. Like zumba, weights, eliptical, and extra strength training... the whole bit.

Obviously, I've not lost weight, though I can actually happily say I haven't gained any, which seemed to be the pattern over the past few months. I'd just gain weight day by day, so the lack of gain is good. I mean, I'm bloated right now because I was stupid but I will be so much better tomorrow.

The goal tomorrow is definitely to be as good as good can be. I'll feel good after and hopefully that'll encourage me to keep going.

I am thoroughly depressed and disappointed in myself today, but I don't want that to stop me tomorrow. I have the house to myself tomorrow. Just gotta take that opportunity.

Day 4

So I'm feeling kind of discouraged today. I'm really bad at working out in the morning. Like... really bad at it. I woke up super early just so I could try to get over how bad I am at it, but that's only resulted in me lying in bed scrolling tumblr on my phone. At this point if I start I'll be late for work, so I guess I'll have to do it after and pray that nobody comes home. This means the work out won't be so great, because I'll be super paranoid the whole time, but I'm going to try anyway.

I don't feel as good today, nor do I feel as slim or fit or firm or however I was feeling/looking before. I can probably attribute that to not being able to make my own choices when it comes to dinners and not being able to work out the past two days. I have a whole entire 11 days until I see the boyfriend again, and I'd like to be different enough for him to make a small comment on it, but I doubt he will. I doubt I will have changed that much.

How could I have been so enthusiastic and confident on day one? Wasn't that supposed to be the hardest day?

Anyways, for breakfast I'm giving myself a bit of a treat and having a banana wrapped up in a tortilla with peanut butter and jam, then grilling it. Lunch will likely be nuts with a fruit or a bunch of veggies. I haven't decided yet. Guess it depends on my ability to get out of bed in time. Dinner is.... some magical creature that I have no idea about... so that'll be fun.

*All the bananas have been eaten, so I stuffed it with raspberries. Exponentially better than expected, and much better than a banana

**Was randomly kidnapped by my mother after work and taken to a financial planner. So much for working out straight after my shift. Now they're both home and I've been kicked out of my kitchen because they had to make dinner to go somewhere. Maybe I'll be able to work out then? Boyfriend is home at 10:30, so I don't have to worry about missing out on skype time, as the parents are supposed to be at whatever they're going to at 7:45. It's 7 now, so yeah.. hoping to get some workout time in there.

***Disappointed. Took a shower and fell asleep. Now they're home. I'll try again tomorrow. Why can't I just naturally be skinny...

Day 3

I know, I goofed and missed day two. Today I woke up a bit late and started a new antidepressant. Sometimes it makes people gain weight and have an increase in appetite. Any time a medication has a possible side effect that has anything to do with appetite, it happens to me. I guess I'll just have to be careful. Keep lots of veggies and fruits and sharpened knives on hand.

I didn't work out yesterday because people were home. I know I'll have to get over that, but it's just not something I'm ready to tackle right now. Today may be the same case if I'm so unlucky. I did a few sit-ups in my room today and a good amount of stretching, but that's about all I have space for in my tiny room.

I've noticed a small change in myself. I've not really shrunk, but I feel like my body just isn't carrying that extra jiggle, like my tubbiness is a bit firmer. It might just be the whole placebo effect, but either way I'll take it. Seeing any change is encouragement. I have noticed, however, that my stretch marks on my tummy are a lighter pink instead of the angry red that they've been for the past few weeks. That's good news!

Today was a handful of blueberries for breakfast.. still waiting on my gold kiwis to ripen up. Then lunch was a really yummy "Italian" wrap.. that wasn't really Italian at all but it had pesto and bocconcini so that's close enough for me. Dinner is going to be a beef roast. I didn't intend on that, since I had beef in my wrap, but living with your parents means you have limited decisions when it comes to eating habits.

I just have to keep reminding myself that it'll take 6 weeks for me to notice a change, 10 for my friends and family, and 16 for the rest of the world. I've always had an issue with motivation. Maybe keeping this blog will do the trick.

Day 1!

Today I've started to try to lose weight for my trip to Florida in... about a month. I wouldn't really mind being a chubchub if I hadn't just gotten my passport in the summer and put on obvious weight since. Basically, I'd rather not get stopped at the gates because my current weight doesn't match the weight on my passport... unless it's because I'm skinnier.

I am immediately cutting out any excess sugars, excess calories, unnecessary protein, empty carbs (white bread, pancakes, waffles, etc..). Luckily, I'm good at cooking both healthy and "naughty" so I'll be able to enjoy my food. I've bought a pack of 12 small fudgsicles that will have to last me the 30 days. They'll be my treat. I'm a little bit scared. I don't have a scale so I can't really go by weight, nor do I have a tape measure. I'll have to go by how I look and how I feel.

I tried working out today. It was relatively disappointing. I just couldn't get into it. Maybe I'll be lucky tomorrow. Today is my bridge into all-fresh eating. This morning, I had yogurt with a cut up banana and a handful of cherries. For snack one, I had some nuts and dark chocolate. For lunch I'll be having a wrap of some sort... I think. I haven't decided yet. For second snack, I'll be having a gold kiwi. For dinner, I'll have rosemary creme sauce, chicken crepes with green beans.

Good luck to me!