Day # I've lost count.

I went to my boyfriend's place and forgot to update. Whoops.
I stopped working out all together. Double whoops.
I ate soooo badly and super duper fell off track. Super triple whoops.
I gained back everything I lost. Ultimate whoops.

Getting back on track tomorrow.. today? Technically today. Mentally tomorrow. I feel like this won't be hard to lose. Shouldn't be too much of a challenge.

Day 14

I fell off track. Depression got me in a choke hold and that was that. Tomorrow I'll try working out again. Today I tried to eat healthily but I think I ate a bit too much cheesy rice (it made the food better shut up).

I won't stop, because I know how hard it really is to get to be one of those crazy success stories. Eventually I'll get there... I hope...

Day 10

Boyfriend said he noticed a difference :) that was all I needed to hear. I feel like maybe it's worth it now. Gave my body a break today. Will jump back into it tomorrow. Unfortunately my family doesn't know the definition of eating healthy, so it was meatball subs for dinner. Really? Oh well. Tomorrow I will be next to angelic if I can help it. I can't control what my mum cooks, but yaknow. I'll give it my best shot.

He noticed!

It's worth it. All the pain I'm putting myself through, even if it's practically nothing for some people it's tough for me, is all worth it and that's AWESOME!

Day 9

Today was pretty damn good. I'm tired though. I think I have to let my body recuperate from the cardio for a day. I felt my legs shaking hardly 6 minutes into my workout today. Didn't let it stop me. Managed to hit 21 minutes (and 4 seconds! *gasp*) where my goal today was just to push yesterday's limit by 60 seconds. Goal of 18:30 and doing 21:04? Not bad.

Brunch was a hard boiled egg, little bit of babaganouj and whole wheat naan bread, small piece of roast beef, cucumber, asparagus, tomato and grapes. It was a weird mix, but it was yummy. I was asked if I wanted soup. "What kind of soup, mum?" "Don't know, gotta see what we have." Glad I said no. It was a creamy soup and we all know how GREAT those are for you.

Dinner was a large chicken breast and a roasted zucchini, and treated myself to a 1-apple-apple-crumble. Hardly any butter or sugar, so that was good.

All in all, today was good health wise. Tomorrow I have a family thing (on my dad's side... where none of them particularly care about what they weight, it would seem) so I hope I can manage to stay on track there. I have a bad habit of getting sucked into all the food and just devouring everything. I'll do some strength training in the morning before I go. Maybe 5 minutes of cardio but I honestly think I need to let myself recover from today and yesterday. My arms were shaking by the end today for about 20 minutes after, not to mention my body felt like a blanket, just taking the shape of whatever it was laying on and NOT moving.

I think I need to get chocolate milk in the house. I feel like I'm missing something after a workout that results in the serious shakes, and I have a suspicion it's a combination of protein, sugar and sodium. I drink lots of water (I mean lotsss) but that doesn't seem to change it.

Day 8

-AN: I swear a lot in this one....-

I did good today. I'm trying really hard to be proud of myself. I know that 17 and a half minutes of jogging speed on an elliptical isn't much but.. it's more than the 6 minutes I did last time. No. I'm belittling myself. Fuck that.

I worked out today until I felt my legs starting to give out and my breathing was ragged and raspy. I pushed myself harder than I have in years, and I did it BY MYSELF which I have never done. I pushed myself past just the cardio (which left me guzzling down 2 bottles of water while lying on the floor) and continued to do planks, sit ups, pushups and lunges. I fuckin' rocked today. I don't care if it's not Olympic quality exercise, or even if it's what the average person can do. I tried my hardest and then some, so anyone who tells me I didn't do good today can suck a dick. FUCK YEAH.

Alright, now that that's out of my system: for breakfast I was hungry so I had a banana and a wrap which had potatoes, eggs, tomatoes and onion. No cheese.

Tonight will likely be a salad. I've gotta work, so I hope I don't get too annoyed with the world. I did good today. I really did well. I wish I could tell someone, I want someone to be proud of me, but I guess being proud of myself will work just as well. There's a possibility that I'll have the house to myself tomorrow for a little while. Beat today's record? Possibly. Just do the best I can tomorrow. Definitely.

day 7

how'd day 7 go?  meh.
eat healthy? yes. oh yes. very much yes.
work out? nope, 'course not.
how're you feeling? broken.
try tomorrow? do I have a choice... I'm not getting any slimmer by sitting here being defeated am I..

day 6

I really want to give up. It seems like no matter how well I plan, my plans will be thrown out the window simply because they're not convenient for everyone else.

"We'll pick you up at 1:30 tomorrow and go to Cora's for breakfast."
"Ok, awesome, I can have a small breakfast at 11:30 when I wake up, work out for an hour, then skype boyfriend while getting ready, and have a fruit crepe at Cora's."

-next day-
11:30 am:
"Be ready in 15 minutes, we're going to Denny's."
"Denny's? Really? Ok well maybe I'll try to have a healthy breakfast there..."
-family proceeds to order me a super fatty breakfast while I'm in the bathroom and I can't bring myself to ask the server to change it-
"I'll just have a super healthy dinner."

"So are you going home or coming with us to hang out at our house? We've missed you so so much, but you can go straight home if you want."
"Well shit. I guess I'm going with you. It's ok, mum will pick me up around 5:00 when she gets off work and I'll tell her to just not go down into the basement for ANYTHING until I'm done."

5:30:
"Mom where are you?"
"Oh, I was just going to cook dinner for your step dad and I, and then I'll come get you later, ok?"
"Sure.... I can maybe try and keep them both out of the basement... and later usually means like.. 7:30 so I'll still have two hours before I skype with boyfriend..."

8:30
"Mom wtf where are you?!"
"Oh I'm doing some stuff for work. I'll be there in about half an hour."

9:30
"Hi, I'm here to pick you up!"
"This is an hour later, not half an hour."
"Oh, I'm just going to stay and talk to your grandparents for half an hour."
"Whatever."
-They proceed to talk for a fucking hour-

So yeah. I'm getting close to giving up. Starting is the hardest part though, right? I honestly feel like the most disgusting creature on this planet. I don't know how boyfriend stands to look at me naked. He's a brave soul. I know I can't do it. The mirror is my worst enemy and I honestly do my best to avoid it. I currently have no idea what I look like naked but I know it's probably terrible.

Tomorrow I'll keep trying.. but it'll probably just end up a whole mess again.